I've been feeling a little down over the past couple of days. I fall into this cycle of wanting to make plans, goals, a schedule for everything in my life- so far as to only choose subjects which have lectures on certain days so I can work more during the week. It becomes a little obsessive compulsive after a while, and when it collapses, so do I. It sounds a little silly, but when I set my expectations on anything other than God, they crumble and I get miserable about it.
I've been reading a bit of Kierkegaard lately. We studied him in my French Philosophy class, and I've picked up a few of his other works (namely Fear and Trembling) to try and understand his ideas a little better. I appreciate much of what he has to say- especially about the church and its power with the monarch. In Fear and Trembling he describes two types of human beings- one who looks for happiness internally, and the other who looks for happiness externally. His idea of infinite resignation (that is the idea that one must give up everything he or she loves more than God) scares me as I find it incredibly difficult to trust so much in something that is completely intangible. Having said that, I'm learning to trust a little more- at least I hope I am and I'm trying to find my happiness internally (mentally to say the least, through this trust) and not have to rely upon physical external objects, ideas or people. This attempt, I believe, is the only way to find true contentment. Let's see how it goes.
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